CRAVINGS

Cravings. Imagine feeling an intense desire, one that seems to completely take over your thoughts. This feeling is called cravings. It is not just a want. It is a powerful drive that can influence your behavior in a significant way. Cravings can be categorized into three main types: physical, emotional, and psychological. Do you have any cravings? The meaning of craving is an intense desire for something really in particular. When you hear the word "craving," what do you think about?

Sometimes I will have this restless craving that is just there. It is not boredom. It's like something on the inside of me is always reaching for something. Something that I can't name. Something that I can feel in my gut. Sometimes I can feel it in my chest. It's like an inner emptiness that keeps pulling at me.

In the past when I felt this way, I would go on a shopping spree. There were other times that I would go out to eat, exercise, or reach out to a friend. I would do anything to distract myself, to not give this unfamiliar craving power over me. Even when I am traveling I have noticed that this craving will not stop annoying me. When I try to relax, I have to keep moving, because the craving keep stressing me out.

I have started thinking that this craving might be rooted in a lack of emotional connection or a love that needs feeding. With time, I have made some progress of not allowing the craving to take control of me, but this craving never goes away. I have tried everything. I pray daily about it, I often meditate about it. But how do I accept that it is there, or try to find out what does it want to tell me? Do I welcome it with open arms?

Everyday, this craving confronts me and it has become even more noticeable, no, louder, somehow. Now I have this problem that has started to eat at me, and I mean it’s eating at me a lot.

Let me be honest with you, I am craving "love." I had this very special person in my life, who loved me dearly. He was affectionate, we had a very deep connection, and we understood each other very well. He loved me so deeply, he was very protective, and he was my soulmate. But grief has forever altered who I was or more realistic, who I might be. I often wonder, "will someone love me for who I am now, scars and all?"

It seems like it is impossible finding love, or maybe the real impossibility might be, "can I ever climb over the barriers of pain that I have erected to protect myself, even if the perfect person stood on the other side of my door banging on it?"

I have thought about this a lot and I do mean, a lot. My love for my late husband cannot be replaced. I can never replace him. However, I can have a new love that exposes me to a different experience, one that can meet me where I am now. Many people falls in love again, but it takes some adjustments. Could this happen to me? I don't know.

I was really loved deeply by Claude, and I still feel that love. That was an incredible gift that continues on after his death. I still love him and I will always love him. Love is the natural vibration of every living being. We can express and experience many forms of love such as, friendship, parental love, romantic relationship, companionship, physical intimacy, to the fullest, but only when we are not desperately craving for it. Because craving is a form of lack, and more craving will only attract more lack.

I have learned, that when we are deeply connected with ourselves, we will have a deep sense of love, acceptance and respect for OURSELVES. Then we are not dependent on the outside to give us this sense of wholeness. This is how we become free of neediness and cravings.

That craving that had attached itself to my heart, made me think that something was wrong with me. It made me think that being in a relationship will fix everything that was wrong with me. Sometimes, we think that when we have someone in our lives, it will make you feel better about yourself.

But the truth is, you don't need anyone else, you just have to realize who you are, and accept that there are somethings in your life that you can't change. Then there are somethings in your life that you DON'T have to change.

When, and if God, placed that person in your life, that person needs to love you because of who you are, faults, flaws, and all. But if you want to be in a relationship because you are lonely, you will feel even lonelier in that relationship, because you entered into it for all the wrong reasons.

When that love craving starts knocking on your door, remember this, choose you and allow God to choose your mate. I think that you underestimate the courage that it takes to choose yourself. You must continue to choose yourself, everyday. Even on the days you feel lifeless. God will give you the strength to bring you back alive, again.

Please don't downplay the heart you possess, and the love and goodness you embody. Don't allow the noise in your head to influence the way you view yourself. You must understand that it takes a kind of bravery to love yourself and to continue to love yourself, in this world that thrives on stripping you of your worth. Don't forget that you have a voice, and God will give you the courage to be the best version of yourself. You should open your eyes and your heart, to see the beautiful person that you are. So many times we underestimate the beauty that we behold, just by being you.

I hope and pray that you never lose your softness. I hope that you never stop believing in your light, even when life tries to dim your light. Never stop being who you are. You are more than the moments that you have created. You are more than the moments that broke you. You are proof that you can bloom even after being broken. Don't forget that you are everything that you need to be. Just be you!