I was going through some old writings and discovered this note that I
had written. I would like to share it with you. It was dated, May 5,
2019.
It reads as follows: It’s Sunday morning and I am sitting here in my
living room, in my favorite chair, listening to my husband snoring. Rev.
Porter said that he would be dead before Friday, May 3rd., but it is
now May 5th. two days passed his estimated death forecast. He is
still with me and he is still here, amazing everyone. I am just thinking,
look at God! No one knows the day, the time, the hour, the second,
but God. Not man, nor I, nor the enemy, just our heavenly Father. I
began praising God, that my husband is still with me.
I remember becoming angry with him, because he kept saying that he
didn’t have long to live. I knew that he was ill, but I never thought that
he was dying.
We all make appointments. Some for a variety of services. We make
hair appointments, dental appointments, doctor’s appointment,
financial advisers’ appointments, car service appointments, spa
appointments, nail appointments, etc. With all of these services, if
something comes up or if there is a conflict in our schedule, we can
cancel the appointment or reschedule it.
But there is one appointment that can never be changed, scheduled or
rescheduled, and that is death, our expiration date. Death is like the
beginning line of “Hide and Seek", “ready or not, here I come, you
can’t hide.”
There is a song by Curtis Mayfield, called People Get Ready. He
sings, “People get ready, there is a train a coming, you don’t need a
ticket, you just get on board.
All you need is faith to hear the diesels humming, you don’t need a
ticket, you just thank the Lord.”
My husband boarded that train on May 15, 2019, at around 4:00 a.m.,
early Wednesday morning. I never saw it coming. He always said
that I was in denial. I guess I was. How can you move forward when
your entire life has been about each other? We were joined at the hip.
He was the yang, to my ying. There was always a Claude and a Cile,
never, one without the other. I found myself, not knowing what to do
with myself.
When my husband died, in the middle of my grief, through all the pain,
I never became bitter. I was very appreciative of God for allowing me
to have an amazing life, with an amazing man. Only God could put
two totally different people together and allow them to have an
amazing journey together.
I often wonder, would I ever see the world in a new light? Would my
world ever look clear and crisp again, rather than cloudy and gray? I
have been told, that just, as I can change the focus on a camera, with
a simple turn, the focus of my life can change also. I can’t imagine
how!
I read this and I wondered would this ever apply to me. “Life is like a
camera, just focus on what’s important and capture the good times.
Develop from the negatives and if things don’t work out, just take
another shot.”
They say that our lives are like a camera. I am just trying to make it
through each day, so I guess only time will tell. They say as time
passes, the pain will not hurt so badly. I don’t know about that,
because my heart is not just broken, it’s shattered.
There are some things that you can prepare for, and some things you cannot. There are some things, that have been prepared for, but not acceptable. Some things are acceptable, but not bearable. Some things bearable, but unacceptable. Death is difficult, love and memories makes the unacceptable bearable. 1 Thessalonians 4:14, “For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”