Today is the second anniversary of my husband's death, and I am still feeling lost. I just don't know what to do with myself. How do I move on with my life? I don't know how to start or where to start. So today, I find myself pausing, as usual, to seek God's comfort and help. I am asking God to please hit the "Refresh Button," to refresh me and to renew my life.
You would think that after two years, my heart wouldn't hurt so badly or that I would be over my grief and have moved on. But it doesn't work that way. At least, not with me. I have learned and read that the grief process is unique and differs with each individual griever.
When you have loved and been loved like I have been, coping with my beloved husband's death, is very difficult for me. You see, two years to me really feels like its been only two days.
There are days that I am just fine, almost like I am back to my old self again. Then there are days, sometimes weeks, that suddenly and unexpectedly, I find myself going through the grieving process all over again. This wave of emotions can hit me at any time. There are triggers or reminders of him that causes the emotional pain. I started feeling an overwhelming sadness and I feel like I am moving slowing through thick mud. I feel completely immobilized, mentally and physically.
When I filed my taxes this year, my tax accountant called me to discuss several questions that he needed answers for. I answered all of his questions, except for one, which caused me to pause. My brain became confused and fuzzy. He simply asked me, "This year, you will be filing as a single individual, right?" My reply was, "No, because I am not single." There was a long pause, then he said, "Cecilia, you do understand that your husband, Claude is dead, right?" My pause was a very lengthy one, because at that moment realization had set in, and I finally realized that I was now considered, "single." I haven't been single in over 45 years. That was a serious trigger and it was traumatizing.
So, there I was in the kitchen crying my eyes out and my nose was running. I was in full cry baby mode. Then I knew that I needed to call on the name of Jesus, because I knew that healing comes from Him. Only the Lord God could heal me and refresh me. "For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing." (Jeremiah 31:35)
So, I let go and let God come to refresh me. God's refreshing is a gift. You can't receive it if you are not aware it is there. Like any gift, if you want it, you have to accept it.
It is in Jesus where I find comfort, through these difficult times. It is in Him that gives me the ability to embrace this difficulty. It is in Jesus where I will find my strength and it is through Jesus, where I will become victorious, not necessarily over the grief, but how I learn to respond to it.
It is in Jesus, where I rest my sorrows and find comfort and peace. Each time I can find rest in His reassuring arms. I know that in His pressing of "the refresh button," I can find calm and an indescribable peace within.
God encourages us to press "the refresh button" and other times when we don't or don't know that we should, He will hit it for us without our permission.
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